


Rare Pair Roulette - Week Four (Sirius Black x Hepzibah Smith)

by TheFairestOfTheRare, thewaterfalcon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Rair pair roulette, rare pairs, the fairest of the rare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 08:55:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11528877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFairestOfTheRare/pseuds/TheFairestOfTheRare, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewaterfalcon/pseuds/thewaterfalcon
Summary: This week, the rare pair gods have given us Sirius Black x Hepzibah Smith....Interesting, to say the least!All drabbles submitted by members of the Facebook group The Fairest of the Rare...come join us for lots of Rare Pair fun and love!





	1. Deal with the Devil

The devil smirked, "You want to go back to your Godson, this is what you must do."   
  
Sirius looked over the mist of red at the witch who had clearly seen better days. A cross between The Fat Lady, his Great Aunt who was known for beheading Elves and a boot.   
  
"Is there someone else?" Or thing, Sirius thought.   
  
"If you want your freedom from this place," the Devil smirked, "Then you will pleasure that woman."   
  
Sirius thought of Harry — how much that boy needed him. He thought of Remus, so alone and in misery from his passing. He thought of James, wondering how annoyed he'd be if he didn't do all he could to help Harry.   
  
"Well?" The Devil asked.   
  
Sirius imagined it. He wondered if he could die in this place, or if it would be something he'd suffer through for eternity. He pondered how sickly it was going to feel, how he wouldn't know where to put his hands and, as he lingered on that thought, he tasted sick.   
  
"Mr Black," the Devil said, full of impatience.   
  
Sirius turned to him, boldly staring through the red skinned freak who wished for him to do this. "Fuck. That."   
  
 _Sorry Harry_ , he thought, but he'd find another way. There was _no way_ he was going anywhere near that, with a wand, broom or finger.   


	2. The Broom Trunk Sale

“Can we go now?” Sirius moans, complaining for approximately the sixth time that hour, about he and Remus’s current activity. 

 

It had been Remus’s idea of course, as if Sirius would have any desire to go to a Broom Trunk Sale, an obscene concept in which wizards and witches filled up magically extended trunks and attempted to sell all their tatty old wares to gullible sale-goers. 

 

“Soon,” Remus replies, absentmindedly as he picks up what is possibly the ugliest vase that Sirius has ever seen in his life.

 

“Even my mother wouldn’t have given that the time of day Moony, and her taste is awful-as-fuck at best.”

 

“It has a certain-”

“It’s crap,” Sirius interrupts with a snort, “if you even  _ think  _ about paying,” Sirius paused to examine the makeshift price sign that had been placed in front of the vase, wrinkling his nose as he did, “ _ sixty-four galleons _ for  _ that _ , I will hex your bollocks off.” He turned his head to face a sour-looking wizard located behind the vase and adds, “You having a laugh, mate?” before he promptly drags Remus, sans vase, away. 

 

Remus wanders over to the next trunk, much to Sirius’s displeasure. The animagus dramatically rolls his eyes and lets out a loud, exaggerated sigh as he grumpily follows Remus, who is inspecting an ornate photo frame. 

 

“Oh, she’s fit,” Sirius says with a snort as he looks over Remus’s shoulder at the moving picture featured in the frame. 

 

The picture was entirely taken up by a very large, black and white witch, who was folding her arms whilst looking distinctly sullen. “Her body language says  _ fuck off,  _ but her eyes say  _ take me Remus, I’m yours!”  _ Sirius laughs and dodges to avoid the punch that Remus aims at his arm. 

 

“Alright Pads, you win. Let’s go.”

 

“Thank fuck!”

 

* * *

 

Sirius opens his eyes, one after the other. He’s not sure where he is, but he is certain that it is definitely not the flat he and Remus share. 

 

It appears to be a bedroom, a bedroom with walls lined entirely with shelves laden with trinkets. Sirius assumes that there must be a floor, somewhere, but whether it was covered in carpet or wood remained a mystery, for he was standing on a blanket of robes, parchment and books. 

 

It is, quite frankly, the messiest room Sirius has ever set foot in, and considering the state he usually kept his own room in, that was really saying something. 

 

Just as Sirius begins to seriously question what in the seven hells he is doing here two things happen: the door is flung open and Sirius’s jaw falls to the floor. 

 

The witch from the picture he’d seen earlier that day was standing in the doorway. Larger than even he remembered, red hair held back so tightly her head resembled a large pink beach ball.  _ Oh _ , Sirius thought with a jolt as his eyes roam downwards,  _ and she’s naked.  _

 

Her face broke into a wide smile at the sight of him, “I’ve been waiting for you, Sonny boy!”

 

Sirius swallows. He knows that the fact she was waiting for him should not be a good thing. 

 

And yet, his heart beats in his chest excitedly as Hepzibah begins to move further into the room, her eyes looking greedily over his, still clothed, body. 

 

“Care to join me on the bed?” she asks and Sirius, still entirely confused by his own apparent want of this woman, nods enthusiastically as he rushes towards the bed, ripping his shirt from his body as he does. 

 

“Oh yes, I like that. Call me Hepzibah…”

 

* * *

  
  


“Sirius...SIRIUS!” 

 

He wakes with a jolt. “Who-wha...Hepzibah?!”

 

“In our entire relationship you have called me several unorthodox names, but  _ Hepzibah  _ really takes the biscuit,” Remus grunts, “now, could we have sex please so that you’ll stop thrusting into me and moaning in your sleep?”

 

“It was a dream,” Sirius pants as memories of an abundance of pink flesh and unsettling moans run through his head. 

 

“Apparently so,” Remus says as he begins to run his fingertips over Sirius’s stomach, “who were you cheating on me with?”   
  


Sirius coughs, his eyes wide at the image currently in his mind, of being on top of Hepzibah, limbs flailing as both grunted in unison. 

 

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Sirius replied and let out a small moan as Remus grabbed his cock. He led his own hand towards Remus, ready to reciprocate and eventually have what he knew would most likely be the most confusing orgasm of his life. 


End file.
